Ah yes. Here we are again. Me contemplating another text from popular culture as I sip a cool vodka manberry in front of my fireplace, underneath the taxidermy boar head that I mounted this afternoon minutes after I took its life in an arm wrestle.
Tonight I will be reviewing the renowned vampire porn francise Twilight. That’s right. Twilight. Yes. I am a man. And I don’t care if you’re not ok with it.
Ok, I’m going to go on with the review, but I can’t just let this slide. That’s right. somebody has to put a stop to this masculine ridiculousness. And that someone is me. Let’s face it, things perceived as “feminine” are often a lot better than those perceived as “masculine.” There. I said it. The drinks for one. Vodka Cranberry, anyone? That’s right. Every hand in the room just went up. They tasty. The songs. The dances. The clothes. Hmm maybe that’s a bit far.
You know what? No it’s not. Yeah. I’m going to wear a dress tomorrow. I swear it. Mark my words.
Probably not, but that would make a statement, huh? HUH? Yeah. It would.
Anyway, back to the review. Yeah everything about this francise sucks. Hackneyed pun absolutely unintended. I don’t see any humour in this situation. I just spent two weeks of my life immersing myself in this bullshit and what do I have to show for it? HUH? That’s right, nothing.
Anyway, point is, yes you can like feminine things if you are a man. But don’t bother with this whole situation here.
Kelly Slater. No other name in the history of the ASP has inspired such awe and respect. 11 world titles. Or something around that area. Countless fans. can surf any break in the world without breaking a sweat. Bald. 42 years old and giving all of those young spring chickens a run for their money. And his secret? Yep. You got it. Vodka Manberries.
You see, before every heat, Kelly would slurp down some sweet red victory juice. He’s been doing it his whole career. Gives him the confidence and sugar boost that he needs. Like Vodka Manberries are known to do.
And his recent achievement, the 720 aerial that many are calling “the best air of all time,” “not too shabby,” and “crisp” was due to the often maligned beverage as well. You see, after the first 360 degrees, Slater was feeling down. He felt like giving up. He felt like there was no way he could do another rotation. But then he whipped out a VM from his secret compartment in his wetsuit, necked it, and the rest is history. 720 degrees of glory.
Let that be a lesson to ye. If you drink what makes you feel good, you will prevail. Thank you Kelly, for letting me share you story.
Hey Team. So already there have been many successful Vodka Manberry Challenges, all unique in their manliness. And in the end, that is what makes a Vodka Manberry so beautiful. It can be interpreted in so many ways. We’ve had a man slurping one down after he has trimmed his beard. We’ve had a man gulping one after some hard chainsawing. The great thing is, you can do it however you please. And here are some of my suggestions of great situations you can perform a Vodka Manberry in.
Whittling a log down to a Chuck Norris action figure with movable limbs, and a rip cord on the back that, when pulled, makes the action figure say “I’m Chuck Norris, bitch.” I’m not sure if that was an actual Chuck Norris catch phrase, but it damn sure should be.
Driving a bus that can’t slow down below 50 miles per hour or it will explode to safety.
Climbing a live snake hanging from the ceiling
Playing fetch with your pet goliath bird eating spider
Eating your pet Goliath bird eating spider for breakfast
Eating chocolate for breakfast. So badass
Shaving a skunk
Playing rugby with a beehive
Beating Kelly Slater in a surf comp while surfing on a door
Beating Hans Grobelhausen (world champion door craftsmen) in a door fastening competition while using a surfboard as a door
Welding a sweet broadsword that you will later use to fight your neighbourhood demons.
There are so so so many more manly ways you can ingest a vodka cranberry. Comment any suggestions you have below. And if you are man enough post a video or picture of yourself actually performing a vodkamanberry on facebook to #vodkamanberry. Grab life by the manberries.
That’s right. It’s time for another manecdote from us here at Vodka Manberry. Tonight is the story of Adam and Eve. The real Adam and Eve.
Their story was much like what was described in the Bible, and a story that many of us can relate to. He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? He was created by an omniscient, omnipotent entity that lives in the sky and created everything in six days. She took ballet. What more can I say?
Well you probably know the part where Eve offers Adam the apple from the tree of knowledge or something, and he takes a bite. This cast God into a frenzy, and he cast them out of paradise and never allowed them to return. What a diva.
But did anyone ever ask why the tree was forbidden?
Well you see, the tree was not technically forbidden. God, (who was in fact a man named Craig) saw the apple as a feminine food product, as it was so sweet. Men in those days would have diets primarily consisting of rocks and the ooze that you find in the cap of a glue stick. But when he saw Adam eating the sweet berry, the nectar dripping down his chin and cascading onto his chest, and looking proud doing it, he became jealous. Why can he look so manly eating something so sweet? Why am I forced to only eat rocks? Why can’t I have nice things?
So in his rage, he cast aside the only friends he ever had. And he didn’t make another friend until he gave birth to his son, Leonardo DiCaprio.
So the lesson is thus: Don’t be ashamed. Don’t cast aside those who are brave enough to embrace the sweetness. Don’t make the same mistakes that God did.