manecdote

Manecdote: Kelly Slater

Kelly Slater. No other name in the history of the ASP has inspired such awe and respect. 11 world titles. Or something around that area. Countless fans. can surf any break in the world without breaking a sweat. Bald. 42 years old and giving all of those young spring chickens a run for their money. And his secret? Yep. You got it. Vodka Manberries.

You see, before every heat, Kelly would slurp down some sweet red victory juice. He’s been doing it his whole career. Gives him the confidence and sugar boost that he needs. Like Vodka Manberries are known to do.

And his recent achievement, the 720 aerial that many are calling “the best air of all time,” “not too shabby,” and “crisp” was due to the often maligned beverage as well. You see, after the first 360 degrees, Slater was feeling down. He felt like giving up. He felt like there was no way he could do another rotation. But then he whipped out a VM from his secret compartment in his wetsuit, necked it, and the rest is history. 720 degrees of glory.

Let that be a lesson to ye. If you drink what makes you feel good, you will prevail. Thank you Kelly, for letting me share you story.

Grab life by the manberries.

Advertisements

Tell me your Manecdotes

Ah boys. So nice of you to join.

As you have seen if you are a keen Vodka Manberry reader, I have often told manly anecdotes (manecdotes, if you will) about great men in history who have shown sheer confidence and triumphed over adversity through their courage in consuming a Vodka Manberry.

But now I ask you: what is a time when you have displayed a feat of manliness? Feel free to think outside the box of the vodka manberry. Comment here any story you have where you have felt more manly or confident than ever before. did you wrestle a snake? Eat bees as breakfast cereal? Mowed the lawn with a pair of scissors? I want to hear from you!

A Man Reviews Feminine Things

Righto boiz. Here it is. Another review for ya. And this time it’s a song. What song would such a manly man choose, you may ask? Something by AC/DC? Bruce Springsteen? Parkway Drive? Well if you just stop asking and let me finish, then perhaps you will learn. Anyway, trust me, it’s an artist better than all of those three.

That’s right. Ariana Grande.

This young Mariah Carey-esque songstress has come out with another dance fuelled pop explosion: “Break Free.” This is a song I can see myself listening to in any number of manly situations: when I’m pumping iron at the gym. When I’m hunting boar with the boiz. When I’m making sensual, yet effective love. When I’m at the bar with the fellas watching footy. When I’m mowing the lawn. When I’m grooming my beard. When I’m milking squids for their delicious ink. The soaring vocals over the choice house beat courtesy of my main man Zedd ensures that I’m going to have a good time.

Just like men can drink whatever they want, they should be able to listen to what they want as well. And if what I want to listen to Ariana Grande before I listen to Metallica, well so be it.

Grab life by the manberries.

Manecdote #3

Ah. hello there. Didn’t see you come in. No, it’s ok, you don’t have to leave. You’ve actually come at an opportune time. For you see, I am about to weave another enchanting Manecdote. Take a seat on the rug. Listen close.

Let me set the scene for you. AMC Studios. California. July 26, 2006. It’s hot.  Sweat is drenching the shirts of the final two men auditioning for the role of Don Draper in AMC’s next big drama Donny Drape-Dawg and the Legit Not Bad World of Advertising (the working title at the time): Jon Hamm, and Chuck Norris.

“God I’m thirsty,” Hamm pants, wiping his brow with his grandma’s lucky hankie.

“The only thing I thirst for is the blood of my enemies,” Norris replies as he takes a bite of a lightbulb.

“Oh,” Hamm says.

After a 45 minute awkward silence, Matthew Weiner, the show’s creator walks in the room, carrying a tray of icy drinks, as red as Christina Hendricks’ fiery mane. So I guess kind of orange. But nonetheless.

“You boys must be awful thirsty. Why don’t you try one of these Vodka Cranberries?” Weiner says.

Norris stands, picks up a glass, and throws it to the ground.

“The day I drink a wuss drink like that is the day I die, sissy,” he says as he spits in Weiner’s face.

“They look delicious,” Hamm says.

He picks up a glass, and downs the sweet cranberry creation.

“Delicious.”

Weiner looks at Hamm in awe. How can someone still look so manly, even when drinking a drink like that?

“Hamm. You’re hired,” he says, a grin on his face.

Hamm jumps in the air, his iconic role secured. Norris punches a hole in the wall and leaves. Let that be a lesson you remember forever.

Manecdote #2

That’s right. It’s time for another manecdote from us here at Vodka Manberry. Tonight is the story of Adam and Eve. The real Adam and Eve.

Their story was much like what was described in the Bible, and a story that many of us can relate to. He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? He was created by an omniscient, omnipotent entity that lives in the sky and created everything in six days. She took ballet. What more can I say?

Well you probably know the part where Eve offers Adam the apple from the tree of knowledge or something, and he takes a bite. This cast God into a frenzy, and he cast them out of paradise and never allowed them to return. What a diva.

But did anyone ever ask why the tree was forbidden?

Well you see, the tree was not technically forbidden. God, (who was in fact a man named Craig) saw the apple as a feminine food product, as it was so sweet. Men in those days would have diets primarily consisting of rocks and the ooze that you find in the cap of a glue stick. But when he saw Adam eating the sweet berry, the nectar dripping down his chin and cascading onto his chest, and looking proud doing it, he became jealous. Why can he look so manly eating something so sweet? Why am I forced to only eat rocks? Why can’t I have nice things?

So in his rage, he cast aside the only friends he ever had. And he didn’t make another friend until he gave birth to his son, Leonardo DiCaprio.

So the lesson is thus: Don’t be ashamed. Don’t cast aside those who are brave enough to embrace the sweetness. Don’t make the same mistakes that God did.

Do a Vodka Manberry.