humour

Excuses you should NEVER use when ordering a “girly” drink.

That’s right. There are many tactics in the ol’ playbook that the more cocktail inclined men use when they don’t want to get ridiculed at the bar. It’s a sad society when men have to resort to treachery like this in order to drink a tasty, colourful drink. I cannot stress this enough. DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER ANY ONE OF THESE. The key is simple: confidence. Slurp down that sweet Vodka Manberry without a care in the world. Unfortunately, however, I have seen these all too many times. Hell, I’ve even whipped them out myself on occasion, when I was a younger, more foolish, and less handsome man.

  1. The ol’ “it’s for my girlfriend.”
  2. The ol’ “it’s for my sister.”
  3. The ol’ “it’s for my mum.”
  4. The ol’ “it’s for my grandma.”
  5. The ol’ “it’s for that tribe of amazon women over there who have taken me captive and refuse to let me go unless I give them this vodka cranberry.”
  6. The ol’ “Oh this? Yeah, my doctor said I need more cranberry juice in my diet because I’m lacking valuable vitamin…G. And they were all out of cranberry VB. Oh the umbrella sticking out of the drink? That’s uuuuhhh..for my skin. Yeah. The doctor says I’m easily burned. Oh the chunks of fruit floating around in there? Well…HEY IS THAT NEIL ARMSTRONG?”
  7. The ol’ “Oh this? No, this isn’t a vodka cranberry. This is the blood of the boar that I killed earlier today. I mixed it in with water, because, you know, acquired taste and all that.”
  8. The ol’ “it’s for my dying niece whose last wish is that she can taste a Vodka Cranberry just one last time before she heads off to war. Uhhh yes I did just say she was dying. Uhhh oh yeah and the war thing too. Well it’s both, ok? WE LIVE IN THE 21ST CENTURY, ARE YOU SAYING A DYING 14 YEAR OLD GIRL CAN’T BE IN THE ARMY? SHAME ON YOU.”
  9. The ol’ “What vodka cranberry? I don’t see any vodka cranberries around here. You must be hallucinating again. Have you been taking your meds? Because I’m really worried about you, man. ever since Becky left you’ve been…I don’t know, different, you know? It’s like, ‘can I please have the old Jeff back?’ Remember when we used to sneak into Old Man McGrumpy’s house and just play with his antique toy seal collection? I miss those days, man. And this move to the big city hasn’t been doing you any favours. You’re just not used to this life you know? Look. I know I’m being harsh. But I met this really good therapist on Tinder and I think you should give her a call. I can come to a session with you, whatever it takes to get you through this, ok? What’s that? You can still see the Vodka Cranberry? Uuuuuuhh HEY IS THAT NEIL ARMSTRONG?”
  10. The ol’ “it’s for my pet seal.”
Advertisements

Manecdote #3

Ah. hello there. Didn’t see you come in. No, it’s ok, you don’t have to leave. You’ve actually come at an opportune time. For you see, I am about to weave another enchanting Manecdote. Take a seat on the rug. Listen close.

Let me set the scene for you. AMC Studios. California. July 26, 2006. It’s hot.  Sweat is drenching the shirts of the final two men auditioning for the role of Don Draper in AMC’s next big drama Donny Drape-Dawg and the Legit Not Bad World of Advertising (the working title at the time): Jon Hamm, and Chuck Norris.

“God I’m thirsty,” Hamm pants, wiping his brow with his grandma’s lucky hankie.

“The only thing I thirst for is the blood of my enemies,” Norris replies as he takes a bite of a lightbulb.

“Oh,” Hamm says.

After a 45 minute awkward silence, Matthew Weiner, the show’s creator walks in the room, carrying a tray of icy drinks, as red as Christina Hendricks’ fiery mane. So I guess kind of orange. But nonetheless.

“You boys must be awful thirsty. Why don’t you try one of these Vodka Cranberries?” Weiner says.

Norris stands, picks up a glass, and throws it to the ground.

“The day I drink a wuss drink like that is the day I die, sissy,” he says as he spits in Weiner’s face.

“They look delicious,” Hamm says.

He picks up a glass, and downs the sweet cranberry creation.

“Delicious.”

Weiner looks at Hamm in awe. How can someone still look so manly, even when drinking a drink like that?

“Hamm. You’re hired,” he says, a grin on his face.

Hamm jumps in the air, his iconic role secured. Norris punches a hole in the wall and leaves. Let that be a lesson you remember forever.

Manecdote #2

That’s right. It’s time for another manecdote from us here at Vodka Manberry. Tonight is the story of Adam and Eve. The real Adam and Eve.

Their story was much like what was described in the Bible, and a story that many of us can relate to. He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious? He was created by an omniscient, omnipotent entity that lives in the sky and created everything in six days. She took ballet. What more can I say?

Well you probably know the part where Eve offers Adam the apple from the tree of knowledge or something, and he takes a bite. This cast God into a frenzy, and he cast them out of paradise and never allowed them to return. What a diva.

But did anyone ever ask why the tree was forbidden?

Well you see, the tree was not technically forbidden. God, (who was in fact a man named Craig) saw the apple as a feminine food product, as it was so sweet. Men in those days would have diets primarily consisting of rocks and the ooze that you find in the cap of a glue stick. But when he saw Adam eating the sweet berry, the nectar dripping down his chin and cascading onto his chest, and looking proud doing it, he became jealous. Why can he look so manly eating something so sweet? Why am I forced to only eat rocks? Why can’t I have nice things?

So in his rage, he cast aside the only friends he ever had. And he didn’t make another friend until he gave birth to his son, Leonardo DiCaprio.

So the lesson is thus: Don’t be ashamed. Don’t cast aside those who are brave enough to embrace the sweetness. Don’t make the same mistakes that God did.

Do a Vodka Manberry.