alcohol

Excuses you should NEVER use when ordering a “girly” drink.

That’s right. There are many tactics in the ol’ playbook that the more cocktail inclined men use when they don’t want to get ridiculed at the bar. It’s a sad society when men have to resort to treachery like this in order to drink a tasty, colourful drink. I cannot stress this enough. DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER ANY ONE OF THESE. The key is simple: confidence. Slurp down that sweet Vodka Manberry without a care in the world. Unfortunately, however, I have seen these all too many times. Hell, I’ve even whipped them out myself on occasion, when I was a younger, more foolish, and less handsome man.

  1. The ol’ “it’s for my girlfriend.”
  2. The ol’ “it’s for my sister.”
  3. The ol’ “it’s for my mum.”
  4. The ol’ “it’s for my grandma.”
  5. The ol’ “it’s for that tribe of amazon women over there who have taken me captive and refuse to let me go unless I give them this vodka cranberry.”
  6. The ol’ “Oh this? Yeah, my doctor said I need more cranberry juice in my diet because I’m lacking valuable vitamin…G. And they were all out of cranberry VB. Oh the umbrella sticking out of the drink? That’s uuuuhhh..for my skin. Yeah. The doctor says I’m easily burned. Oh the chunks of fruit floating around in there? Well…HEY IS THAT NEIL ARMSTRONG?”
  7. The ol’ “Oh this? No, this isn’t a vodka cranberry. This is the blood of the boar that I killed earlier today. I mixed it in with water, because, you know, acquired taste and all that.”
  8. The ol’ “it’s for my dying niece whose last wish is that she can taste a Vodka Cranberry just one last time before she heads off to war. Uhhh yes I did just say she was dying. Uhhh oh yeah and the war thing too. Well it’s both, ok? WE LIVE IN THE 21ST CENTURY, ARE YOU SAYING A DYING 14 YEAR OLD GIRL CAN’T BE IN THE ARMY? SHAME ON YOU.”
  9. The ol’ “What vodka cranberry? I don’t see any vodka cranberries around here. You must be hallucinating again. Have you been taking your meds? Because I’m really worried about you, man. ever since Becky left you’ve been…I don’t know, different, you know? It’s like, ‘can I please have the old Jeff back?’ Remember when we used to sneak into Old Man McGrumpy’s house and just play with his antique toy seal collection? I miss those days, man. And this move to the big city hasn’t been doing you any favours. You’re just not used to this life you know? Look. I know I’m being harsh. But I met this really good therapist on Tinder and I think you should give her a call. I can come to a session with you, whatever it takes to get you through this, ok? What’s that? You can still see the Vodka Cranberry? Uuuuuuhh HEY IS THAT NEIL ARMSTRONG?”
  10. The ol’ “it’s for my pet seal.”
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Manecdote: Kelly Slater

Kelly Slater. No other name in the history of the ASP has inspired such awe and respect. 11 world titles. Or something around that area. Countless fans. can surf any break in the world without breaking a sweat. Bald. 42 years old and giving all of those young spring chickens a run for their money. And his secret? Yep. You got it. Vodka Manberries.

You see, before every heat, Kelly would slurp down some sweet red victory juice. He’s been doing it his whole career. Gives him the confidence and sugar boost that he needs. Like Vodka Manberries are known to do.

And his recent achievement, the 720 aerial that many are calling “the best air of all time,” “not too shabby,” and “crisp” was due to the often maligned beverage as well. You see, after the first 360 degrees, Slater was feeling down. He felt like giving up. He felt like there was no way he could do another rotation. But then he whipped out a VM from his secret compartment in his wetsuit, necked it, and the rest is history. 720 degrees of glory.

Let that be a lesson to ye. If you drink what makes you feel good, you will prevail. Thank you Kelly, for letting me share you story.

Grab life by the manberries.

Manecdote #3

Ah. hello there. Didn’t see you come in. No, it’s ok, you don’t have to leave. You’ve actually come at an opportune time. For you see, I am about to weave another enchanting Manecdote. Take a seat on the rug. Listen close.

Let me set the scene for you. AMC Studios. California. July 26, 2006. It’s hot.  Sweat is drenching the shirts of the final two men auditioning for the role of Don Draper in AMC’s next big drama Donny Drape-Dawg and the Legit Not Bad World of Advertising (the working title at the time): Jon Hamm, and Chuck Norris.

“God I’m thirsty,” Hamm pants, wiping his brow with his grandma’s lucky hankie.

“The only thing I thirst for is the blood of my enemies,” Norris replies as he takes a bite of a lightbulb.

“Oh,” Hamm says.

After a 45 minute awkward silence, Matthew Weiner, the show’s creator walks in the room, carrying a tray of icy drinks, as red as Christina Hendricks’ fiery mane. So I guess kind of orange. But nonetheless.

“You boys must be awful thirsty. Why don’t you try one of these Vodka Cranberries?” Weiner says.

Norris stands, picks up a glass, and throws it to the ground.

“The day I drink a wuss drink like that is the day I die, sissy,” he says as he spits in Weiner’s face.

“They look delicious,” Hamm says.

He picks up a glass, and downs the sweet cranberry creation.

“Delicious.”

Weiner looks at Hamm in awe. How can someone still look so manly, even when drinking a drink like that?

“Hamm. You’re hired,” he says, a grin on his face.

Hamm jumps in the air, his iconic role secured. Norris punches a hole in the wall and leaves. Let that be a lesson you remember forever.