humour

A Man Reviews Feminine Things

Ah yes. Here we are again. Me contemplating another text from popular culture as I sip a cool vodka manberry in front of my fireplace, underneath the taxidermy boar head that I mounted this afternoon minutes after I took its life in an arm wrestle.

Tonight I will be reviewing the renowned vampire porn francise Twilight. That’s right. Twilight. Yes. I am a man. And I don’t care if you’re not ok with it.

Ok, I’m going to go on with the review, but I can’t just let this slide. That’s right. somebody has to put a stop to this masculine ridiculousness. And that someone is me. Let’s face it, things perceived as “feminine” are often a lot better than those perceived as “masculine.” There. I said it. The drinks for one. Vodka Cranberry, anyone? That’s right. Every hand in the room just went up. They tasty. The songs. The dances. The clothes. Hmm maybe that’s a bit far.

You know what? No it’s not. Yeah. I’m going to wear a dress tomorrow. I swear it. Mark my words.

Probably not, but that would make a statement, huh? HUH? Yeah. It would.

Anyway, back to the review. Yeah everything about this francise sucks. Hackneyed pun absolutely unintended. I don’t see any humour in this situation. I just spent two weeks of my life immersing myself in this bullshit and what do I have to show for it? HUH? That’s right, nothing.

Anyway, point is, yes you can like feminine things if you are a man. But don’t bother with this whole situation here.

Manecdote: Kelly Slater

Kelly Slater. No other name in the history of the ASP has inspired such awe and respect. 11 world titles. Or something around that area. Countless fans. can surf any break in the world without breaking a sweat. Bald. 42 years old and giving all of those young spring chickens a run for their money. And his secret? Yep. You got it. Vodka Manberries.

You see, before every heat, Kelly would slurp down some sweet red victory juice. He’s been doing it his whole career. Gives him the confidence and sugar boost that he needs. Like Vodka Manberries are known to do.

And his recent achievement, the 720 aerial that many are calling “the best air of all time,” “not too shabby,” and “crisp” was due to the often maligned beverage as well. You see, after the first 360 degrees, Slater was feeling down. He felt like giving up. He felt like there was no way he could do another rotation. But then he whipped out a VM from his secret compartment in his wetsuit, necked it, and the rest is history. 720 degrees of glory.

Let that be a lesson to ye. If you drink what makes you feel good, you will prevail. Thank you Kelly, for letting me share you story.

Grab life by the manberries.

Vodka Manberry: Suggestions for Success

Hey Team. So already there have been many successful Vodka Manberry Challenges, all unique in their manliness. And in the end, that is what makes a Vodka Manberry so beautiful. It can be interpreted in so many ways. We’ve had a man slurping one down after he has trimmed his beard. We’ve had a man gulping one after some hard chainsawing. The great thing is, you can do it however you please. And here are some of my suggestions of great situations you can perform a Vodka Manberry in.

  • Whittling a log down to a Chuck Norris action figure with movable limbs, and a rip cord on the back that, when pulled, makes the action figure say “I’m Chuck Norris, bitch.” I’m not sure if that was an actual Chuck Norris catch phrase, but it damn sure should be.
  • Driving a bus that can’t slow down below 50 miles per hour or it will explode to safety.
  • Climbing a live snake hanging from the ceiling
  • Playing fetch with your pet goliath bird eating spider
  • Eating your pet Goliath bird eating spider for breakfast
  • Eating chocolate for breakfast. So badass
  • Shaving a skunk
  • Playing rugby with a beehive
  • Beating Kelly Slater in a surf comp while surfing on a door
  • Beating Hans Grobelhausen (world champion door craftsmen) in a door fastening competition while using a surfboard as a door
  • Welding a sweet broadsword that you will later use to fight your neighbourhood demons.

There are so so so many more manly ways you can ingest a vodka cranberry. Comment any suggestions you have below. And if you are man enough post a video or picture of yourself actually performing a vodkamanberry on facebook to #vodkamanberry. Grab life by the manberries.

A Man Reviews Feminine Things

Righto boiz. Here it is. Another review for ya. And this time it’s a song. What song would such a manly man choose, you may ask? Something by AC/DC? Bruce Springsteen? Parkway Drive? Well if you just stop asking and let me finish, then perhaps you will learn. Anyway, trust me, it’s an artist better than all of those three.

That’s right. Ariana Grande.

This young Mariah Carey-esque songstress has come out with another dance fuelled pop explosion: “Break Free.” This is a song I can see myself listening to in any number of manly situations: when I’m pumping iron at the gym. When I’m hunting boar with the boiz. When I’m making sensual, yet effective love. When I’m at the bar with the fellas watching footy. When I’m mowing the lawn. When I’m grooming my beard. When I’m milking squids for their delicious ink. The soaring vocals over the choice house beat courtesy of my main man Zedd ensures that I’m going to have a good time.

Just like men can drink whatever they want, they should be able to listen to what they want as well. And if what I want to listen to Ariana Grande before I listen to Metallica, well so be it.

Grab life by the manberries.

A Man Reviews Feminine Things

Ah. Welcome. This week we will be reviewing the blockbuster musical Wicked. 

What? Just because I’m a man I can’t review a musical about 2 witches who learn about themselves and the true meaning of right and wrong?

Jesus Christ. This is just like the whole Vodka Cranberry situation. You mean because I have a penis I can’t see a god damn musical? Huh? HUH? HOW DARE YOU. THAT IS SICK.

I am lost for words. This is the 21st century. The time where there is more social acceptance for different minorities than ever before. I mean sure, there is a long way to go for many of these groups. But I still deserve a little respect. Shame on you. Shame on society. Same on you again.

Anyway, Wicked was good. Costumes were nice.

Manecdote #3

Ah. hello there. Didn’t see you come in. No, it’s ok, you don’t have to leave. You’ve actually come at an opportune time. For you see, I am about to weave another enchanting Manecdote. Take a seat on the rug. Listen close.

Let me set the scene for you. AMC Studios. California. July 26, 2006. It’s hot.  Sweat is drenching the shirts of the final two men auditioning for the role of Don Draper in AMC’s next big drama Donny Drape-Dawg and the Legit Not Bad World of Advertising (the working title at the time): Jon Hamm, and Chuck Norris.

“God I’m thirsty,” Hamm pants, wiping his brow with his grandma’s lucky hankie.

“The only thing I thirst for is the blood of my enemies,” Norris replies as he takes a bite of a lightbulb.

“Oh,” Hamm says.

After a 45 minute awkward silence, Matthew Weiner, the show’s creator walks in the room, carrying a tray of icy drinks, as red as Christina Hendricks’ fiery mane. So I guess kind of orange. But nonetheless.

“You boys must be awful thirsty. Why don’t you try one of these Vodka Cranberries?” Weiner says.

Norris stands, picks up a glass, and throws it to the ground.

“The day I drink a wuss drink like that is the day I die, sissy,” he says as he spits in Weiner’s face.

“They look delicious,” Hamm says.

He picks up a glass, and downs the sweet cranberry creation.

“Delicious.”

Weiner looks at Hamm in awe. How can someone still look so manly, even when drinking a drink like that?

“Hamm. You’re hired,” he says, a grin on his face.

Hamm jumps in the air, his iconic role secured. Norris punches a hole in the wall and leaves. Let that be a lesson you remember forever.