That’s right. There are many tactics in the ol’ playbook that the more cocktail inclined men use when they don’t want to get ridiculed at the bar. It’s a sad society when men have to resort to treachery like this in order to drink a tasty, colourful drink. I cannot stress this enough. DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER ANY ONE OF THESE. The key is simple: confidence. Slurp down that sweet Vodka Manberry without a care in the world. Unfortunately, however, I have seen these all too many times. Hell, I’ve even whipped them out myself on occasion, when I was a younger, more foolish, and less handsome man.
The ol’ “it’s for my girlfriend.”
The ol’ “it’s for my sister.”
The ol’ “it’s for my mum.”
The ol’ “it’s for my grandma.”
The ol’ “it’s for that tribe of amazon women over there who have taken me captive and refuse to let me go unless I give them this vodka cranberry.”
The ol’ “Oh this? Yeah, my doctor said I need more cranberry juice in my diet because I’m lacking valuable vitamin…G. And they were all out of cranberry VB. Oh the umbrella sticking out of the drink? That’s uuuuhhh..for my skin. Yeah. The doctor says I’m easily burned. Oh the chunks of fruit floating around in there? Well…HEY IS THAT NEIL ARMSTRONG?”
The ol’ “Oh this? No, this isn’t a vodka cranberry. This is the blood of the boar that I killed earlier today. I mixed it in with water, because, you know, acquired taste and all that.”
The ol’ “it’s for my dying niece whose last wish is that she can taste a Vodka Cranberry just one last time before she heads off to war. Uhhh yes I did just say she was dying. Uhhh oh yeah and the war thing too. Well it’s both, ok? WE LIVE IN THE 21ST CENTURY, ARE YOU SAYING A DYING 14 YEAR OLD GIRL CAN’T BE IN THE ARMY? SHAME ON YOU.”
The ol’ “What vodka cranberry? I don’t see any vodka cranberries around here. You must be hallucinating again. Have you been taking your meds? Because I’m really worried about you, man. ever since Becky left you’ve been…I don’t know, different, you know? It’s like, ‘can I please have the old Jeff back?’ Remember when we used to sneak into Old Man McGrumpy’s house and just play with his antique toy seal collection? I miss those days, man. And this move to the big city hasn’t been doing you any favours. You’re just not used to this life you know? Look. I know I’m being harsh. But I met this really good therapist on Tinder and I think you should give her a call. I can come to a session with you, whatever it takes to get you through this, ok? What’s that? You can still see the Vodka Cranberry? Uuuuuuhh HEY IS THAT NEIL ARMSTRONG?”
Those of you familiar with The Guesscipe Book will know of my ethos of the artful approximation and personalised adaptation of recipes. That’s why I keep them vague and suggest alternatives where possible. I don’t like baking. I respect it, and I respect those who do it. However, the careful attention and borderline scientific skill it requires just isn’t for me. That is why there are no Guesscipe desserts.
Until now. This one felt right. I do hope you enjoy it. Use whatever fruit flavour you like to put with chocolate – orange, strawberry, raspberry etc.
Dark Chocolate (a large bar, approx 4 ounces)
Cream (double or single, WITH the vodka this should be around half a pint)
Fruit (fresh or tinned)
By either smashing or slicing, break your chocolate into pretty darn small shavings (this is important for the…
Ah yes. Here we are again. Me contemplating another text from popular culture as I sip a cool vodka manberry in front of my fireplace, underneath the taxidermy boar head that I mounted this afternoon minutes after I took its life in an arm wrestle.
Tonight I will be reviewing the renowned vampire porn francise Twilight. That’s right. Twilight. Yes. I am a man. And I don’t care if you’re not ok with it.
Ok, I’m going to go on with the review, but I can’t just let this slide. That’s right. somebody has to put a stop to this masculine ridiculousness. And that someone is me. Let’s face it, things perceived as “feminine” are often a lot better than those perceived as “masculine.” There. I said it. The drinks for one. Vodka Cranberry, anyone? That’s right. Every hand in the room just went up. They tasty. The songs. The dances. The clothes. Hmm maybe that’s a bit far.
You know what? No it’s not. Yeah. I’m going to wear a dress tomorrow. I swear it. Mark my words.
Probably not, but that would make a statement, huh? HUH? Yeah. It would.
Anyway, back to the review. Yeah everything about this francise sucks. Hackneyed pun absolutely unintended. I don’t see any humour in this situation. I just spent two weeks of my life immersing myself in this bullshit and what do I have to show for it? HUH? That’s right, nothing.
Anyway, point is, yes you can like feminine things if you are a man. But don’t bother with this whole situation here.
Kelly Slater. No other name in the history of the ASP has inspired such awe and respect. 11 world titles. Or something around that area. Countless fans. can surf any break in the world without breaking a sweat. Bald. 42 years old and giving all of those young spring chickens a run for their money. And his secret? Yep. You got it. Vodka Manberries.
You see, before every heat, Kelly would slurp down some sweet red victory juice. He’s been doing it his whole career. Gives him the confidence and sugar boost that he needs. Like Vodka Manberries are known to do.
And his recent achievement, the 720 aerial that many are calling “the best air of all time,” “not too shabby,” and “crisp” was due to the often maligned beverage as well. You see, after the first 360 degrees, Slater was feeling down. He felt like giving up. He felt like there was no way he could do another rotation. But then he whipped out a VM from his secret compartment in his wetsuit, necked it, and the rest is history. 720 degrees of glory.
Let that be a lesson to ye. If you drink what makes you feel good, you will prevail. Thank you Kelly, for letting me share you story.
Hey Team. So already there have been many successful Vodka Manberry Challenges, all unique in their manliness. And in the end, that is what makes a Vodka Manberry so beautiful. It can be interpreted in so many ways. We’ve had a man slurping one down after he has trimmed his beard. We’ve had a man gulping one after some hard chainsawing. The great thing is, you can do it however you please. And here are some of my suggestions of great situations you can perform a Vodka Manberry in.
Whittling a log down to a Chuck Norris action figure with movable limbs, and a rip cord on the back that, when pulled, makes the action figure say “I’m Chuck Norris, bitch.” I’m not sure if that was an actual Chuck Norris catch phrase, but it damn sure should be.
Driving a bus that can’t slow down below 50 miles per hour or it will explode to safety.
Climbing a live snake hanging from the ceiling
Playing fetch with your pet goliath bird eating spider
Eating your pet Goliath bird eating spider for breakfast
Eating chocolate for breakfast. So badass
Shaving a skunk
Playing rugby with a beehive
Beating Kelly Slater in a surf comp while surfing on a door
Beating Hans Grobelhausen (world champion door craftsmen) in a door fastening competition while using a surfboard as a door
Welding a sweet broadsword that you will later use to fight your neighbourhood demons.
There are so so so many more manly ways you can ingest a vodka cranberry. Comment any suggestions you have below. And if you are man enough post a video or picture of yourself actually performing a vodkamanberry on facebook to #vodkamanberry. Grab life by the manberries.
As you have seen if you are a keen Vodka Manberry reader, I have often told manly anecdotes (manecdotes, if you will) about great men in history who have shown sheer confidence and triumphed over adversity through their courage in consuming a Vodka Manberry.
But now I ask you: what is a time when you have displayed a feat of manliness? Feel free to think outside the box of the vodka manberry. Comment here any story you have where you have felt more manly or confident than ever before. did you wrestle a snake? Eat bees as breakfast cereal? Mowed the lawn with a pair of scissors? I want to hear from you!